I Will Never Be the Same -- Geoff Bullock

 

Geoff Bullock was almost certainly in transition mode, though he may not have fully appreciated what that would entail as the next several months transpired. In 1995, he wrote “I Will Never Be the Same”, a statement he undoubtedly made while thinking of his spiritual health, though he doesn’t share precisely what motivated his songwriting in this particular case. Geoff was also perhaps beginning to sense that things were about to change for himself, in more than one way, so if he was reflecting something that he was feeling on several levels, that would be understandable. He’d been the worship minister for several years, after being one of a team of people that established what would later become the Hillsong Church in Sydney, Australia, a church that mushroomed into a megachurch in the 1980s and ‘90s. Perhaps that atmosphere and its impact were what had Geoff feeling a bit overwhelmed by the mid-1990s, by his own admission. He’d been the guy who had arranged their annual worship conferences since 1987, so when he eventually left in late 1995, there was a lot of personal momentum that came to a halt, though he could not change what – and who -- had already affected him permanently. God had his own purposes, as Geoff later told someone, though he remained somewhat in the dark about the events of the mid-1990s.

 

“I Will Never…” was set to be recorded live at Hillsong in the latter part of 1995, as part of the album “Shout to the Lord”, when Geoff departed from the project and the church abruptly, an episode that left many wondering what had happened. Geoff admitted in an interview nearly 10 years hence that he’d become ‘burnt out’, and that he felt at the time that God was telling him to go. Looking back, he wasn’t so sure anymore, but said he just needed to work on himself for a time. Eventually, his marriage would end (in 1996) following his departure from Hillsong, and he found himself also dealing with various mental health symptoms that would later be characterized as bipolarity. Despite his health challenges, which he didn’t completely comprehend in 1995, Geoff continued to write songs and lead the worship conference, even as a widening gap between how he felt about his ability and how others looked upon him began to develop. From his own comments, one cannot really identify all of the details of Geoff’s insides, though his lyrics do indicate he was an inward-looking songwriter, trying to be responsive to what his Creator was telling him. Introspection was an essential part of what drove Geoff’s spirit. That’s what comes through clearly in ‘I Will Never…’, as Geoff writes about his being unable ‘to return’, and ‘closing the door’ (v.1), but nevertheless trying to answer what he felt God was prompting him to do. ‘I’ll walk the path, I’ll run the race’ (v.1), he said; and then, he sounds like he’s really relishing the life God has for him, even if events ‘fall like fire’, ‘soak like rain’, and ‘rush like mighty waters’, to turn things upside down or inside out – to ‘sweep away…darkness’, burn away…chaff’, in order to ‘glorify (God’s) name’ (v.2). Geoff stood ready to climb ‘higher heights’, and navigate ‘deeper seas’, because he was willing to do ‘…whatever’ (v.3). Geoff didn’t mind if all this changed him irrevocably. He was going wherever and whenever God said ‘go’.

 

Geoff Bullock could not have been entirely content with what happened to himself in the mid-1990s – who could, if they had been in his shoes? But, feeling that God’s prodding you toward something – that was part of the Hillsong church’s neo-Pentecostal atmosphere and message. Experience God at a deep, personal level. Listening to Him, then, was a habit that Geoff would not change, even while his own personal struggles and relationship breakups seemed to complicate matters. Did Geoff reason that a good God doesn’t sabotage a seeker’s life, at least not with some other purpose in mind? Other historical characters must have wondered at times, too -- guys like Joseph, who landed in prison once; and Paul whose life also did a 180-degree turn and landed him in trouble more than once. Makes you wonder what God is doing, sometimes. But Geoff and the others did not stop in the valleys, and neither should we.                

 

Read about the songwriter here:  Geoff Bullock - Wikipedia

 

The song appears on this album, recorded in 1995: Shout to the Lord (album) - Wikipedia

 

Read more about the songwriter here: Geoff Bullock: No Longer the Golden Boy | ChristianToday Australia

 

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