He was deep in thought inside his truck in the middle of a street; the scene was Anaheim, California. It was perhaps one of the most private moments for 28-year-old Eddie Espinosa, and one that he didn’t really intend that others should hear, when he breathed the words “Change My Heart, Oh God”. After all, it was a personal prayer, just between God and himself. And yet, he did something in that moment that implied that he wanted to remember; that, while it was an intimate episode, Eddie wasn’t embarrassed to tell others in appropriate settings about this experience. Others would indeed hear what he’d said on the way to work that day. If you or I had the nerve, would we share what we might say while driving our vehicles on a street in southern California? And, could such an incident always be described as a prayer, or instead as a complaint, or worse? Maybe that’s the kind of stuff that Eddie felt was inside himself that needed changing.
Eddie admits that things in his life that day in 1982 were going really well, and in fact were sources of great joy, and yet there were deeper issues that he knew were inhibiting his journey. He was a teacher at a local school, had a good marriage and two small children as a result, and was a worship leader at a growing church. So, these were three foundational things in any person’s life that one would not expect to leave a person wanting – a good job, a great family, and a role in a burgeoning faith group. Eddie apparently wasn’t one to just sit and bask in the glow of his life, however. Something gnawed at his insides, and though he doesn’t share specifically what that was, he did confess it to his Maker. (Eddie only says he felt just a bit apathetic.) ‘Change me at the heart level’ Eddie prayed fervently, as he sat in his truck. It was something that was making him feel that his life expression wasn’t genuine, for he sang and wrote the words ‘Make it ever true’ when he admitted to God what was going on deep down. He was apparently one guy who never felt he was alone, removed from the gaze and examination of the one who knew him best. And so, Eddie wasn’t afraid to get real with Him; and, unlike many people who find such scrutiny uncomfortable, and try to avoid its unsettling effect, Eddie grabbed a piece of paper to record the moment. Thank God for a stop sign and forgiving traffic that allowed Eddie to chronicle those emotion-filled few minutes! He was able to identify with the ancient King David, who in the wake of some infamous misdeeds authored his own confession (Psalm 51). So, Eddie knew there could be forgiveness when one is open and repentant. You cannot pull the wool over your Creator’s eyes, and you bond with other like beings -- the rest of the human race – when you admit your shortcomings. Let Him keep ‘molding’ you, like clay in a potter’s hand (v.2), Eddie said.
This proposition to let God be the potter and us the clay is good for all of us, Eddie must have concluded. Otherwise, he might have kept his song’s story to himself. Instead, when bit by bit, how and what Eddie wrote came to light, he coaxed others to join in and admit they needed what he’d already received. When I cannot find the enthusiasm I should have, I need to be honest about that. Maybe Eddie’s far vision longed for more than he already had, the trap many of us fall into. Some might call that feeling ‘reaching for the American dream’, to always be striving for more because one is unsatisfied. Instead, what Eddie concluded was that he’d already been incredibly blessed, and he needed to appreciate that reality more. Get red-hot about what He’s accomplished, not how I might feel about my humdrum, routine, terrestrial days. I’m heading for a mind-blowing place, into the presence of Him who made me. Ready?
The song story is found in the following books: I Could Sing of Your Love Forever, by Lindsay Terry, Thomas Nelson publishers, 2008; Celebrate Jesus: The Stories behind Your Favorite Praise and Worship Songs, by Phil Christensen and Shari MacDonald, Kregel Publications, 2003; and The Complete Book of Hymns – Inspiring Stories About 600 Hymns and Praise Songs by William J. Petersen and Ardythe Petersen, Tyndale House Publishers, 2006.
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